Shiver: Cultural Learnings of RPF for Make Benefit Glorious Army of Nachos

Being the former spymaster and international man of journalism, sex, and mystery I am, I felt inspired to go learn something new.

I set off with forged RPF papers to the RPF cultural center of Tuxedo. The guards at the city gates, however, did not check for any papers and simply let me into the city even though I was evidently orange and wearing a sombrero. I could not understand them due to their extremely untelligentable grunting and animal-like body language.

Walking through the city streets, I could not find any civilized, intelligent people. Instead, I found many children under the age of 11 running around with guns and knifes. I thought, “What the fuck,” as guns had some tight ass regulations in the Nacho Empire and there was no way in hell this way was legal. However, after taking a quick look in my RPF guide book, I saw the only law was to devote 18 hours of your day to the RPF and to obey every order of the RPF. Damn.

After watching my fucking step for a landmine or something, I decided I need some reading material or something entertaining. I walked over to a news stand, where TSN and CPAC were sold. I bought both issues, only to find both were heavily censored against anti-RPF sentiment and that their leader, Elmikey, was glorified in posts I actually talked shit about him in. CPAC in particular was censored and heavily edited to include RPF propaganda, along with anti-Nacho references all over the fucking place. A quick look in my RPF guide book also stated that possession of any anti-RPF media is dealt with by the means of “extrem punichmint.” Ouch.

As a result of this, I developed a slight case of noobitis and felt I needed some rest to recover from this one-off experience. Too tired to leave this place, I stopped at a local inn, where I was surprisingly given a small bedroom for free. Upon entering, I began to feel the chilling effects of neo-Maoism crawl down my spine; there was a heavily-edited portrait of Elmikey gracing the wall, with it’s oddly-Photoshopped eyes instilling fear into my mortal soul. I plopped my ass down on the bed to watch some television, only to find that only 3 channels were available; Rebel News Media, RPF Channel 2, and The Stale RPF. I quickly turned off the TV before developing cancer from the utter bias. Seeking to post on TSN, I drew out my netbook and connected to the convenient free wireless internet. However, I was led to a main page, finding that everything but Club Penguin, the RPF site, and RPF’s Xat chat were blocked. Too lazy to pull out my USB drive with Ultrasurf, I fell asleep on the twin bed.

The next morning, I was awaken from my sleep after hearing gunshots outside my hotel room. Fearing for my fucking life, I packed my shit and ran, only to find it was the young children of the RPF Marines aimlessly firing off their rifles from the recoil. Seeing that RPF had no law against murder, I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said “fresh” and had dice in the mirror. If anything I can say this cab is rare, but I thought “Man forget it, yo homes to Fjord!”

I was quickly kicked out of the cab at gunpoint after I could not pay the cabbie his fare. Instead, I would hitchhike to Fjord. On my way to the city gates, I walked by the training center. Using binoculars, I spied out their “recruit training,” which was simply an Xbox 360 playing the Infinity Ward-developed “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3.” How that relates to CP armies is beyond me. Shifting my binoculars to the outside area, I spotted a drill sergeant viciously beating the shit out a recruit after asking for a break. Again, peering into my guide book, RPF troops were expected to dedicate 18 hours of their day to the RPF. What the fuck, man.

I was startled by a loud siren, which was followed by RPF troops running aimlessly around me. I quickly discovered this was a Nacho invasion from piecing together unintelligable grunts of “nocho” and “invazun.” I ran to the nearest ditch and played dead for 6 hours. Finally, I awoke, seeing Nacho troops occupying the streets of Tuxedo. Free RPF were dancing the streets; free of the oppressive Elmikey and his terror regime; and free of any bullshit invoked by him. Nacho soldiers quickly recognized me and informed me that Elmikey had cowardly fled to Breeze (as RPF had no servers left) as soon as he saw the Nachos, leaving his troops open to be killed and captured; which all of them were. After contacting the on-site commander, Ads354, I was given a lift back home on one of our trucks.

Back in Fjord, I decided to take a look at RPF’s news report on this battle. For some fucking reason, Rebel News Media reported that RPF had won the Battle of Tuxedo. Bullshit. Maybe its a victory for your oppressed citizens, but not for your terror regime. Maybe your brainwashed 9-year-olds will worship you, but not any self-respecting man who calls himself a part of CP armies (if thats anything to be proud of.)

This has been an investigative report on TSN News.

AR Declares War, ACP In A Frenzy

While the Nachos and RPF blow each other up in a war rivaled in intensity only by the Clone Wars, the boring side of CP armies begin to get less boring and the shit hits the fan.

After countless battles and wars where the unsung heroes of the Black Wars, the Army of the Republic, defended the Peoples’ Republic of the Army of CP from the likes of the Ass Pirates, Light Troops, and S.W.A.T., shit is no longer as close as two guys in a Honda Civic.

Instead, AR fucking hates ACP and wants them to die. While saving ACP’s ass several times, AR never got any support from ACP. In fact, the ACP ran off as soon as the LT declared war on AR, watching as AR got ripped a new asshole.

Now, looking to fuck shit up, the AR wants to fuck ACP up…and kill them. Like always, ACP are the first to run from adversity, those damn cowards.

oh shit nigga

The AR has refused every single offer given to them, including a package of 10,000 xats, two beta accounts, $30 USD, and an ACP-colored Ford Taurus used as a government car. ACP refused to comply with AR’s request for all of ACP’s property, however. Co-Premier and Cook Tori has personally sent offers to Vinny, AR Grand Wizard, to solve the crisis. Vinny requested 100,000 xats and all of ACP’s servers, Tori reports.

Ever since the Nachos defeated the ACP in a massive war, the ACP has been absolutely shitty. In fact, the ACP has not got over 50 in the last 4 years.

Also annoying as fuck is the ACP riding RPF like Burr rides Vinny. Sure, its normal if you’re in the same army, but fuck, ACP defends RPF even if theres completely solid evidence of them using bots and multilogging. Unlike last time’s ACP-RPF alliance where ACP pimped around RPF, it seems RPF is the sick masochist in this pimp-hooker relationship. The troops are equally annoying, bragging about their army that cheats more than Jimmie Johnson and the New England Patriots combined. I’m gonna love seeing them in ACP next week.

National flag of the ACP

AR, one of the few Communist armies, has slightly more sane troops than the ACP. However, a select few are annoying fucks who are obsessed with sheep. I’d love to see them clean up sheep shit and clean wool like we did back in Europe.

With the valiant trio of the UMA (for lack of better words,) AR, and Nachos seeking justice for the evils committed by the ACP and RPF, we can only hope they are paid in full for their bullshit in WWIII.

This was Shiver for TSN News.