Huge Klondike Stadium Brawl Over Battle Result

It’s July and that means it’s the time of the year where butthurt is rampant over the CPAC Legends Cup.

Today, the Glorious Nacho Army fought the cheap unoriginal imitation Doritos in the 52,456-seat Klondike Stadium. While it was a close fight the whole way, the result did not benefit our Glorious army in the end. If you don’t know what the fuck that means, we lost.

Ice Warriors were believed to be dressing up as DCP just to knock the Nachos out early. To prove this claim, several Ice Warriors uniforms were found in the Doritos’ locker room by sanitation workers. However Albert417 denies this claim (even though pictures show him in battle.)

After the result was broadcasted over the loudspeaker, the on-site leader Edd64 instantly ran toward the closest DCP troop, Bam. He was clutching a beer bottle, which he brought down upon the unsuspecting DCP troop’s head. Upon spotting the scuffle, CPAC security guard Kingfunks4 attempted to restrain Edd, when he was brought to the floor by DCP socialite Mustapha (for supposedly rigging DCP’s Top 10 ranking during his CEOship.) Almost instantaneously, the stadium turned into a gigantic brawl.

Artist’s depiction

 

Disappointed Nacho fans hurled beer cans at the stadium while others hopped over the safety gates to join the brawl. Police and emergency services arrived 25 minutes later The stadium was quickly evacuated and cleared. 24 arrests (including Edd, Mustapha, Ciwwa, Joker, Blue2, and Pungy) were made as a result of the scuffle. There were 56 total injuries, mostly minor bruises and scrapes. Bam is currently in stable condition, while Funks required 33 stitches on his face, chest, and arm.

CPAC has made a press release and rule change, effectively putting the Nachos back into the tourney as a result of the massive brawl. There was a massive shitstorm by the DCP and RPF who wanted the Nachos to stay out of the tourney indefinitely. Threats were made to raid the tourney’s final during the brawl, which possibly motivated that decision. However, Edd is notorious for taking shit after not getting what he wants and subsequently not doing shit.

Puckley and Ads were both absent from the battle. Beeky took a cab out of the stadium before the battle was over.

This has been a TSN report.

 

TSN Presents: TSN Cup 2013

As a news site, finding scandals and secrets to success is no easy task. So the TSN staff and I have decided to host a CP Army tournament called TSN Cup (creative, right? Thank you.) Armies of all size can enter, but please, don’t enter your shitty 1 man army into this. TSN Cup will be mainly large/medium size-oriented.

Now, you’re probably asking what’s the catch? Well there is none! Although we’re a hilarious news site, we’re also pretty underground, y’know? Hipsters and shit. So our prizes are:

• A picture of a trophy stolen from some website with your army’s name on it (Woo!)
• Your army’s banner on our sidebar forever
• A box of Attends bariatric briefs (diapers.) Optional.

As you can see, these are pretty tempting rewards for winning a tournament. So don’t miss out on your chance to receive ’em! Make no delay, sign your army up in the comment section below by answering these questions:

1. Army Name?
2. Website to Army?
3. Average Size?

Answer those questions and you’re in, hopefully. Brackets will be made after the armies enter. We’re hoping for 16 armies at least. 8 armies at minimum..

If you enter your army, good luck and check back in a few days for the Round 1 times and battles.

***Registration Closes on August 1st, 2013***

Registered armies:

Lime Green Army

Water Ninjas

Water Vikings

Watex Warriors

Heat Warriors

Chaos

Soda Pop Army

Underground Mafias Army