fuk u

this one goes out to all the nacho fucks.

fuk u. eat a cock.

Thank you for your time, see you next time!

-Marcin

All Things…

When an army does not perform exceptionally, who do you put the blame on? The leader, scratch that, A leader, or the troops in it? Neither one deserves the full blame, rather an equal pain split. Both deserve equal blame. But apparently, the logic behind the false leaders of the Nacho Army does not agree.

I was blamed, victimized for something I had nothing to do with. I was betrayed by people, most of which whom I was the only one who was ever decent to them. I was wrongly accused of crimes when I was trying to defend my Empire. All of the blame was placed on someone who was trying their best to anchor the army, yet those who sit back and practice counterproducitvity lay unscathed.

I was victimized simply because I wanted to preserve Nacho values. I did not want us to resort to letting noobs and new people join for moderator. I could not stand for banning swearing our chat. It was not Nacho-like at all. It would mean we would become an RPF/ACP-carbon copy rather than remaining the Nacho Army. I wanted us to be different. Yet, the treacherous owners turned against me for my conservative beliefs. All because I wanted us to stay the Nacho Army, for we are the Nacho Army.

I was blamed for this among other things, including our dismal performance, as previously stated. Yet, at this time, we still have several owners who do not even recruit or go to events. It should not be my sole responsibility to recruit. We are an army, not just me, not just Beeky, not just anyone alone. Why couldn’t anyone see that?

My fabricated support for fascism was a simple foreign policy move to instill fear into possible enemies. While it did succeed, others did not understand, criticized it for being a little bit different, and even called for my death. Grow some balls, read some history, and shut the fuck up if you think it’s really that offensive. But, if it did annoy you, I understand. Let it be known, however, that this move was very good for our national security.

To those who turned against me, fuck you. I thought I was dealing with only one traitor, named Shadow2446, but it turns out that I was not facing one, but many. I was surrounded by them, and I did not know that until the very end. I did not want to leave on that bad note. I was the one that the Nachos turned to when the going got tough in November, and while I did not totally restore their sizes, Beeky and I tried the hardest we could. We fought for a new order. We defeated those who opposed us and tried to bring us down. We succeeded there.

To those who still stick with me, you are truly a loyal troop. You believe in your true leader, rather than listen to some retired leader who should not even be around anymore. You recognize one of the few leaders, besides Beeky, who have ever tried to give this army a better future than others envisioned possible. You are easily one of the greatest soldiers to serve in the Nacho Army, for serving in such a difficult time and following such a controversial leader. I thank you for devotion to the very end.

I was the victim. I am the one who should be hailed as the real Nacho hero, for trying to save this army from both it’s own vices and outside negative forces. I did not deserve to be called a traitor or a tyrant. What I did was for the army’s benefit and nothing more. Had I sought something more, I would have left a long time ago for a better offer elsewhere. But, who would I be if I did that? A traitor. I am a Nacho, nothing more and nothing less. I fight only under the Nacho flag.

Until I am properly treated like a Nacho and inversely not treated like a traitor, I will remain with who support me. I will not join another army out of loyalty. I am the true Nacho leader and there are many who agree. No retired people should decide the validity of that statement. Especially those who have not experienced what I’ve had to for months.

BREAKING NEWS WITH WEATHER…From over 4 Months Ago?… Civil War in Tundra!

Well before I go on I have to announce that I took in your request for drinking milk, and for proof here

Why You Should Never Play Minecraft With A Dorito

A memoir of a late-night Minecraft session with ACP and DCP cretins.

Nacho UK leader, 6789cool’s recent mope store scandal

Hello everyone, Sneezy here your newest member to TSN staff. Today we uncover a new scandal of nacho UK leader 6897cool’s mope store scandal.

RPF Leader Demotes Self For Using Bathroom During Battle

Now this kid practices what he preaches.

RPF Premier Elmikey has demoted himself from Premier (keeping in sync with RPF laws that signal punishment) to measly 2ic for using the bathroom during a battle. Using the bathroom during battle is a severe crime in the RPF as most troops are required to have a shitbucket for events so as to stay on with no possible interruptions. Foods such as beans and White Castle are banned to prevent the use of the toilet. Bathrooms are also illegal to harbor in any building or residence.

Lord Pain, new RPF cause of death leader, has spoken of this incident, referring to it as a “tragedy to both loyalty and the RPF.” Meanwhile, he is considering ways to punish the RPF for Elmikey’s antics. Pain is considering 2-hour battles, mandatory 30-minute training twice a day, and whoring yourself out for recruits on Riffy for 13 hours a day. More than half of the RPF’s troops have fled and declared asylum in the Nachos, ACP, and AR.

TSN Spy/Reporter’s picture of the Premier’s toilet

In other, possibly unrelated news, Lord Pain has fired an RPF troop for going to a tennis match (which somehow disproves the fact that all RPF do not have lives.)

Elmikey has stated he demoted himself to avoid firing from Lord Pain, who was infuriated at the development. Commando has accused the Nachos of DDoSing Elmikey, claiming the packet flood caused him to get off his ass and go to the bathroom. Commando also claims a dox of Elmikey has been compiled as a result of going to the bathroom. Also, RPF tumor owner Gar has claimed the Nachos caused his bowels to contract, making him go for a shit.

RPF has also announced they plan to boycott CPAC because they did not agree with the principle of banning bathroom use. ACP, DCP, and RPF noobs reporters are apparently collaborating to make a Fox News-inspired news site. Meanwhile, us at TSN are raking in the views from all over, because we are one of the most unbiased news site in the world, second only to that North Korean site.

Our TSN spies/reporters have raided a RPF factory, discovering the design of the shitbucket that RPF troops are expected to tote around. The following was taken in the cleaning room of the Tundra Plastic Works, where the buckets are created and cleaned.

I’m pretty sure these are enjoyable to take a dump in

As you can tell, I bet Elmikey preferred the comfort of his bathroom rather take a shit in one of those E. coli utopias. A demolition crew has been called in to destroy the bathroom in the Premier’s Palace, due to the illegality of bathrooms in the RPF nation.

No TSN agents developed E. coli during their raid on the bucket facility.

This has been a TSN report.

 

Shiver: Cultural Learnings of RPF for Make Benefit Glorious Army of Nachos

Being the former spymaster and international man of journalism, sex, and mystery I am, I felt inspired to go learn something new.

I set off with forged RPF papers to the RPF cultural center of Tuxedo. The guards at the city gates, however, did not check for any papers and simply let me into the city even though I was evidently orange and wearing a sombrero. I could not understand them due to their extremely untelligentable grunting and animal-like body language.

Walking through the city streets, I could not find any civilized, intelligent people. Instead, I found many children under the age of 11 running around with guns and knifes. I thought, “What the fuck,” as guns had some tight ass regulations in the Nacho Empire and there was no way in hell this way was legal. However, after taking a quick look in my RPF guide book, I saw the only law was to devote 18 hours of your day to the RPF and to obey every order of the RPF. Damn.

After watching my fucking step for a landmine or something, I decided I need some reading material or something entertaining. I walked over to a news stand, where TSN and CPAC were sold. I bought both issues, only to find both were heavily censored against anti-RPF sentiment and that their leader, Elmikey, was glorified in posts I actually talked shit about him in. CPAC in particular was censored and heavily edited to include RPF propaganda, along with anti-Nacho references all over the fucking place. A quick look in my RPF guide book also stated that possession of any anti-RPF media is dealt with by the means of “extrem punichmint.” Ouch.

As a result of this, I developed a slight case of noobitis and felt I needed some rest to recover from this one-off experience. Too tired to leave this place, I stopped at a local inn, where I was surprisingly given a small bedroom for free. Upon entering, I began to feel the chilling effects of neo-Maoism crawl down my spine; there was a heavily-edited portrait of Elmikey gracing the wall, with it’s oddly-Photoshopped eyes instilling fear into my mortal soul. I plopped my ass down on the bed to watch some television, only to find that only 3 channels were available; Rebel News Media, RPF Channel 2, and The Stale RPF. I quickly turned off the TV before developing cancer from the utter bias. Seeking to post on TSN, I drew out my netbook and connected to the convenient free wireless internet. However, I was led to a main page, finding that everything but Club Penguin, the RPF site, and RPF’s Xat chat were blocked. Too lazy to pull out my USB drive with Ultrasurf, I fell asleep on the twin bed.

The next morning, I was awaken from my sleep after hearing gunshots outside my hotel room. Fearing for my fucking life, I packed my shit and ran, only to find it was the young children of the RPF Marines aimlessly firing off their rifles from the recoil. Seeing that RPF had no law against murder, I whistled for a cab and when it came near the license plate said “fresh” and had dice in the mirror. If anything I can say this cab is rare, but I thought “Man forget it, yo homes to Fjord!”

I was quickly kicked out of the cab at gunpoint after I could not pay the cabbie his fare. Instead, I would hitchhike to Fjord. On my way to the city gates, I walked by the training center. Using binoculars, I spied out their “recruit training,” which was simply an Xbox 360 playing the Infinity Ward-developed “Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3.” How that relates to CP armies is beyond me. Shifting my binoculars to the outside area, I spotted a drill sergeant viciously beating the shit out a recruit after asking for a break. Again, peering into my guide book, RPF troops were expected to dedicate 18 hours of their day to the RPF. What the fuck, man.

I was startled by a loud siren, which was followed by RPF troops running aimlessly around me. I quickly discovered this was a Nacho invasion from piecing together unintelligable grunts of “nocho” and “invazun.” I ran to the nearest ditch and played dead for 6 hours. Finally, I awoke, seeing Nacho troops occupying the streets of Tuxedo. Free RPF were dancing the streets; free of the oppressive Elmikey and his terror regime; and free of any bullshit invoked by him. Nacho soldiers quickly recognized me and informed me that Elmikey had cowardly fled to Breeze (as RPF had no servers left) as soon as he saw the Nachos, leaving his troops open to be killed and captured; which all of them were. After contacting the on-site commander, Ads354, I was given a lift back home on one of our trucks.

Back in Fjord, I decided to take a look at RPF’s news report on this battle. For some fucking reason, Rebel News Media reported that RPF had won the Battle of Tuxedo. Bullshit. Maybe its a victory for your oppressed citizens, but not for your terror regime. Maybe your brainwashed 9-year-olds will worship you, but not any self-respecting man who calls himself a part of CP armies (if thats anything to be proud of.)

This has been an investigative report on TSN News.